By Tania Almeida*

Daniel Shapiro and Roger Fisher, both of the Negotiation Project at Harvard Law School, put emotion as the 'background' of negotiations when they wrote Beyond Reason: the power of emotion in conflict resolution (Beyond Reason: using emotions as you negotiate). In the work, the authors show us that emotions can be part of the turning point (tipping point) to transform personal or professional disagreements into opportunities for collaboration and building mutually beneficial solutions.

In fact, we are surrounded by experts that relate emotion to decision making, leaving reason in the background. Today, based on neuroscience, some authors assure us that disregarding emotion as a permanent component of negotiations means ignoring its element most essential.

Em Negotiating the nonnegotiable: how to resolve your most emotionally charged conflicts - Negotiating the Non-Negotiable: How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts), Shapiro tells us about invisible emotional forces that draw us to impasses, and offers management possibilities to overcome them. In the first part of the book – Why do we get stuck in conflict –, the author invites us to reflect on the nature of the emotion that imprisons us in a given conflict, reaffirming the role of this important element for decision making.

What emotions imprison?

For Shapiro, some relationships can consume us emotionally because of their impact on our psyche. This can cause repetitive patterns of behavior, preventing us from cooperating with one another. It also diminishes our capacity for reflection and leaves us stagnant in negative aspects of history.

For the author, other themes also overload conflicts in such a way that they risk negotiation paralysis. Examples are:

(I) perceived threat to identity – not feeling belonging or not having one's existence validated by the other can sharpen the need for self-defense, stiffening antagonistic positions and hostile attitudes.

(ii) revisit emotions that caused a lot of pain – the possibility of reliving emotions that bring suffering makes us unconsciously recreate conditions that produce recurring conflicts. For the author, this compulsion for repetition is a pattern that, paradoxically, is born from the fear of reopening the “Pandora's box” of emotions, which we prefer to keep under lock and key.

(iii) violation of sacred values – there are sacred beliefs (some religious and sociocultural convictions), sacred alliances (certain relational and political loyalties) and sacred values ​​(such as trust and respect), which are intangible and untouchable values. Here the challenge lies in respecting what is sacred to each side.

Emotional wounds are unconscious and we are hypervigilant so that they are not revived, reacting in different protective ways.

What would be the management tips?

Motivated by the idea that emotionally charged conflicts are difficult to manage, Shapiro chooses to create bridges (connections) between what divides and what brings together the line that harmonizes significant differences. Always taking care that there are no winners or losers, and that none of the actors need to manage a feeling of minus worth the table.

The author believes that just bringing the different interests (icon of the Harvard negotiation school) into the dialogue would be insufficient, when paralyzing emotions integrate the relationship between the negotiators or affect one of the sides.

He suggests some ways to guide themes that are part of contexts populated by emotions of an imprisoning nature:

(i) validation of the other's perspective: as highlighted by Shapiro, giving authenticity to what everyone brings to the table is the first step on the path of (re)approximation. 

(Ii) legitimizing everyone's identity: the acceptance of differences and the absence of judgment favors an empathic understanding of the existence of the other - considering their particular characteristics -, and helps in the (re)connection of negotiators.

(iii) self-implication: in the book, Shapiro presents us with small worksheets of questions for negotiation clients, which strategically induce reflection (think about it), self-awareness (how you react when you see yourself in front of this emotion) and the visit to the other's place (how the other deals with your reactions and the which also makes it reactive). 

They are practical guides to identify how much a given emotion impacts the negotiation, and how fundamental this element is for the conduction of mediation.

(Iv) Recognition of emotional loss and pain: in negotiation contexts, which normally involve feelings of loss, threats of harm and emotional pain, recognizing them brings relationships closer, favors listening and restores interaction, aiming at decision making.

(V) Inclusion of forgiveness and the apology: here I remembered two more books: Forgiveness, by Dr. Fred Luskin (Forgive for Good: a proven prescription for Health and Happiness), for whom forgiveness does not mean erasing what happened, but not allowing it to be carried day after day, taking away our physical and/or mental health; and On Apology, by Aaron Lazare, for whom apology does not mean a manifestation of weakness, but each or all of the senses of the word in Greek: justification, explanation, defense, excuses. Or yet, I didn't know this was important to you.

To close our conversation, I leave the message that I believe prevails in Trading the Non-negotiable: re-establishing the connection of relationships is the best way to avoid retaliatory postures and the escalation of conflict.

Negotiating the nonnegotiable: how to resolve your most emotionally charged conflicts

Negotiating the non-negotiable: how to resolve your most emotionally charged conflicts, by Daniel Shapiro (in English)
Viking Publisher, 2016
336 pages

Meet you at the next Read With Me, when we'll talk about Appreciative Inquiry: A positive approach to change management, by David Cooperrider and Diana Whitney. Until then!

 

*Tania Almeida – Master in Conflict Mediation and Dialogue Facilitator between individuals and/or legal entities. For 40 years, she has been designing and coordinating dialogue processes aimed at mapping, crisis prevention, change management and conflict resolution. She is the creator and founder of the MEDIARE System, a set of three entities dedicated to dialogue – research, service provision, teaching and social projects.

 

Check out the first Read With Me about the book Mediation Toolbox - practical and theoretical contributions