By Tania Almeida*
Perhaps because he is an anthropologist, William Ury has always surprised me with his ability to build ideas and make reflections that express human interaction in the world of negotiations. In the line of attention to humanity, Ury states that our fears are our greatest obstacles to say no successfully. Giving in and shutting up arises in the face of fear and guilt, while reactive combat puts our anger into action. Perhaps, identifying a good foundation to support the our no and to make it understandable to the other, neither fear, nor guilt, nor anger need support our actions.
O Power of the Positive No and your goal to be able to say No, taking care of the relationship and, at the same time, of sustaining a No well-founded, it is an undisputed example of how the most tense moment of a negotiation process – the act of refusing something proposed by the other – can be packaged with care and, sometimes, even showing benefits for all negotiators at the table. Sensational!
The author's most expressive tips and their fundamentals
This is another nice surprise in Ury's works: always base attitudes or interventions, taking the other into consideration, in favor of good negotiation. Because the author's contributions to this field are many, I selected some, sometimes so embodied in our practices as mediators or negotiators, which function as 'the best phrases' that are usually selected from great authors in history.
Let's start with the sequence that gives the book its title: (i) reveal your Sim; (ii) empower your No; (iii) respect the path to acceptance of your No.
(I) unlock your yes – a positive No never starts the conversation. In order for a No to be eavesdropped, we need to be proactive and not reactive. We need, looking from the balcony (go to the balcony), an expression consecrated by Ury, and having our emotions under control, to unravel, first, the reason for our No. Knowing my Yes to the interests, needs and values that underlie my No leads me to what I want to preserve, as well as knowing the intentions that support the construction of my No.
Uncovering my Yes, I gain a sense of direction (where to go and where not to go) and energy (psychic strength) to anchor my No in something positive. This is how I begin my No for the other, for what I want to preserve as positive: because I want to maintain our friendship… because I want to remain impartial… because I want to have freedom in this situation…, I say No. This initial Yes of yours will fulfill two purposes: to affirm your intention to say No and offer the other the basis, the motivation for your No.
(Ii) Give power to your No – to support your No, it must not have a punitive character, but the power to protect your interests, needs and values. If the other accepts your No, great, he will respect with you what underlies your No. If he does not accept your No, your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement), your plan B, is your ability to meet his interests, needs and values, regardless of whether the other accepts to respect them. So your No needs to be well grounded in Sins that you want to preserve, achieve.
(Iii) Respect the path to acceptance of your No – how to prepare the other to accept your No? Simple answer: treating him with dignity. How not to treat the other with dignity? Rejecting or disqualifying the claim he also has. By doing so, you will close your interlocutor's ears to your message, and you will be able to witness the worst and most destructive of their reactions, compromising the relationship between you. There you have met the Power of Non-Negative.
Respect for the other works for your own benefit. In this way, listening carefully, to also understand their interests, needs and values, and not to refute them, is part of the mutual respect that both want to see effective in the negotiation. Care with words, the absence of demanding, negative categorization (derogatory adjectives) or judgment are essential to maintain respect at the table. Clarifying questions, recognition and acceptance of the other's point of view are more than welcome, they are necessary.
Highlighting shared interests and standards confirms a positive foundation of common values or purposes. And if both can benefit from your No, we've got the icing on the cake!
Therefore, when a No to the other needs to be part of a negotiation, it will be good practice to follow the sequence above, in addition to taking care that your positive No does not end the conversation. The communication should end with an invitation to a positive result. As Ury says: when you close one door, open another. Offer a third option, invent win-win options, target future possibilities. Want a simple example? There it goes: because I am very committed to the review of my book, I cannot, at this moment, act as a speaker at the event that you organize, but I will be attentive to the next opportunities that I can identify, especially because they are always occasions of exchange of learning.
Ury ends the book with a touch of CNV – Non-Violent Communication, suggesting that when No’s concern behaviors, they can be accompanied by a constructive indication of what would best serve him in relational terms, as long as it is a viable, respectful and positive request. uttered.
And if the other doesn't accept your No, go to the balcony (look at the situation as an attentive and respectful observer) and use the power of not reacting negatively, but keeping your No very well supported by your interests, needs and values. And remember plan B: respect your no regardless of whether the other is unwilling to accept it.
In the end, act in a way that both feel respected and legitimized. Conclude the situation in a positive and thoughtful tone. Lesson learned!
The Power of the Positive Non. How to Say No and Still Get to Yes, william urry
Publisher Elsevier; 1st edition (12 February 2007)
264 pages
In our next conversation I want to share the reflections that emerged from reading Negotiating at an Uneven Table – a practical approach to working with difference and diversity, an iconic work by Phyllis Beck Kritek, in support of work with tables unbalanced in power.
* Tania Almeida – Master in Conflict Mediation and Dialogue Facilitator between individuals and/or legal entities. For 40 years, she has been designing and coordinating dialogue processes aimed at mapping, crisis prevention, change management and conflict resolution. She is the creator and founder of the MEDIARE System, a set of three entities dedicated to dialogue – research, service provision, teaching and social projects.
Learning to say No in a positive way is self-knowledge work. A Sim who denies their own needs and values can become a harrowing prison. In these cases, the positive No is liberating and promotes an encounter with our own identity, as valuable as the identity of the other to whom we respectfully say our No: it is an act of love for oneself and for the other. (but it is not easy)