Getting to YES with Yourself – The First Step in Any Difficult Negotiation, Conflict or Conversation

By Tania Almeida*

With publication date of 2015, William Ury, co-author of 'How to get to YES, without making concessions', and co-founder of Harvard Negotiation Project, enchants us with yet another methodology focused on negotiation. This time, after years of practice, he comes to the strong conclusion that we are the most difficult people in a negotiation, our biggest opponents. Guided by this belief, Ury suggests getting up in the morning and looking in the mirror with the following question: how will you take care of yourself, aiming to contribute to better managing your day and the natural negotiations that everyday life imposes? He turned this questioning into a daily practice and invites us to do the same.

The author and anthropologist draws attention to the fact that we sabotage our own interests with reactions and a hostile 'win-lose' mentality, supported by the sense of scarcity that leads us to practice the assumption that only one of the parties should emerge victorious in a negotiation. Changing this perspective can deconstruct our biggest obstacle, which prevents us from achieving what we want, transforming it into our greatest opportunity – influencing ourselves before influencing the other is at the base of this proposal.

The book "How to get to the YES with yourself” brings numerous case examples, most of them with public figures we know, begins and ends by highlighting the negotiation of the Brazilian administrator and businessman Abílio Diniz with his partners, which took place in four days with the help of Ury, after two and a half years of litigation, two arbitrations and a judicial process.

What undid the imbroglio, reveals Ury, was working with Abílio the YES with himself, based on the answer to the question: what do you want most in life right now? “Freedom… to be with my family and fulfill my dreams and new businesses” was the answer. Focusing on this objective relativized any possible loss, or perception of loss in the negotiation, and made the dialogue flow.

The method

In order to be able to influence ourselves before influencing the other, Ury invites us to take six steps that must be observed daily, not only with a view to negotiations, but, in particular, the coexistence with our surroundings.

1. put yourself in your place – listening with empathy to their basic needs, as you would to a client, work partner, or loved one in your relationship.
2. Develop your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement or the “Best Alternative to a Settlement”) interior – do not blame or blame the other. Make a commitment to looking out for your own interests regardless of what others do or don't do. Become responsible for your life and your relationships.
3. Reframe your panorama – don't be taken by the fear of scarcity seeing in the other a competitor. Create your own sources of satisfaction, independent and self-sufficient, even in the face of adversity.
4. stay in the present – the present moment is the only one where you can experience satisfaction and also the only one where you can change a situation (for the better).
5. respect others – not be reactive. Surprise the other with respect and inclusion, even if they offer you disrespect and exclusion.
6. Know how to give and receive – change the game so everyone wins, and give something before you even get it.

William Ury shows that with the first two steps above, we say YES to ourselves. With the third and fourth, we say YES to life. And with the last two, we say YES to each other. It's as if each SIM opens the way for the next. Isn't it sensational?

The positive and natural impacts of Good Practices

The biggest impact, according to Ury, concerns the way of being in life, reviewing paradigms and starting changes from within ourselves.

Below, I share specific impacts that each step of the method makes possible:

1. From self-judgment to self-knowledge - put yourself in your place it makes it possible to clarify what we want, which ends up helping us to also put ourselves in the other's shoes and legitimize their needs. The invitation is to go to the box (a metaphor recursively used by Ury) and look at our own actions (and reactions) from outside the scene. Being researchers of ourselves towards self-knowledge, reducing self-judgment and, consequently, the judgment of the other. Impact? A more empathic listening to our needs and the needs of others
2. From blame to responsibility - develop your inner BATNA it implies abdicating the benefit of attributing blame to someone and making us innocent. Along with self-knowledge, made possible by the first step of the method, would come self-responsibility for relationships and actions. The more we need the other to meet our needs, the more power we give him/her. Impact? Exercise the power of protagonism and the sense of freedom.
3. From hostility to cordiality – reframe your panorama it encourages us to change the frame of the scenes and make them more favorable to us and to the other. The ability to confer interpretations and meanings is our liberality and our responsibility. So, we invite you to transform competition into collaboration, adversary into opportunity, enemies into allies. Impact? Changing the frame makes it possible to change the game, attitudes, actions – we have the ability to build frames that awaken and use the best of our skills.
4. From resistance to acceptance – stay in the present makes it possible to identify a list of initiatives (practices) that each one can handle at the exact moment of the conversation, in service to the other. It makes it possible to exploit the present opportunity to take constructive action. Ury confesses to having learned from his colleague and mentor Roger Fisher the power of this intervention. He reveals that it was a common question in Fisher's work: “who can do what today, to lead this conflict towards a solution?” Impact? The present is an opportunity to do things differently, to use our creativity, identify opportunities, accept the past and build a better future.
5. From exclusion to inclusion – respect others it's the cheapest concession you can make, says Ury. The cycle of mutual destruction is interrupted with the offer to treat the other with dignity, as this is a right of all human beings. Putting ourselves in the other's shoes and understanding their reasons may be the necessary motivation to offer them respect, despite the treatment received. In fact, this is the first rule of hostage negotiation – preserve cordiality, giving the kidnapper the opportunity to speak and pay attention to his point of view. Impact? Transform exclusion into inclusion, making it possible to build with the other, even if adversary, a solution.
6. From 'win-lose' to 'win-win-win' – know how to give and receive, anticipating giving when receiving takes us out of the waiting room, from the expectation of the other being the one who makes the first move. It also distances us from the seduction of striving for better results for us instead of creating value for both of us in the negotiation. Dedicating equal assertiveness to everyone's needs leads us toward mutual benefit. Impact? Victory for us, for the other and for the context/surroundings – 'win-win-win'.

Ury ends the book wishing that the reflections promoted transcend our effectiveness in negotiating with others and lead us to an inner satisfaction for the change in attitudes that the method proposes, having a positive impact on our daily relationships.

May they also gain from the implementation of the care proposed by SIM with ourselves!

So our next meeting is already scheduled, when we will talk about “When the majority is not enough – collective bargaining method for building consensus”, by Larry Susskind, Jeffrey Cruikshank and Yann Duzert. Until then!

Getting to YES with Yourself – The First Step in Any Difficult Negotiation, Conflict or Conversation, William Ury

144 pages

* Tania Almeida – Master in Conflict Mediation and Dialogue Facilitator between individuals and/or legal entities. For 40 years she has been designing and coordinating dialogue processes aimed at mapping, crisis prevention, change management and conflict resolution. She is the creator and founder of the MEDIARE System, a set of three entities dedicated to dialogue – research, service provision, teaching and social projects.

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